Indeed, everybody goes through a very rough time after a breakup. Old memories from the times you spent together – the smiles, the laughter, the craziness, the fun you had together, the plans you had made, the dreams you have woven together, the feeling of being madly in love with each other, all of these keep casting a cloud of gloom over you. All the reasoning put aside, you really seem to want her back. Honestly, it’s very natural and it’s quite alright to feel that way.

In reality, it not that tough to get her back even if she hates you. For those of you who haven’t looked up a dictionary about what hate actually means, let me assure you, that’s it’s not all that bad. For those of you who are trying to look it up in their mobiles or opening a new tab to look up the meaning – save yourself the trouble, because we will discuss it elaborately here.

How can I say for sure that the feelings of hatred aren’t that bad?

Hatred is a feeling rooted in a deep passion and loaded with emotion. Nobody hates random strangers. If she hates you, it’s because there she did love you. And ‘I hate you’ does not mean that she hates you. It translates as ‘you hurt me’ . There is a feeling of hatred, but that is not for you, it’s for your actions, it’s something that you did, or failed to do, or said, that hurt her.

This feeling arises from the fact that, she had a high regard for you, she never expected that you would do whatever you did to her. She feels let down. And honestly, no woman, would commit into a relationship or give up on one, if she hadn’t put a lot of thought into it, if she wasn’t so sure what she was doing was the right thing to do. Imagine how many chances she must have given you, how many times she must have put with you that now she reached a point where she felt there is no hope in taking the relationship forward. As much as you are feeling hurt, that you broke up so is she. For all you know, she must be crying her eyes out.


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Anyway, all of this boils down to the point that hatred is a feeling born out of love. And if it makes you feel any better, any feeling, whether it is love or hatred, houses itself in the heart. So, in a way, as silly as it might sound, it is still a fact that you still are in her heart. And that is a good thing. Bad is when she absolutely has no feelings for you anymore. So, hatred is still something that we can work upon. On that note let’s see what we can do to get you your girl back even if she hates you.

How To Get Her Back Even If She Hates You?

Step 1: Reflection

First off you need to reflect on what is it you did that drove her away. Remember, we talked about how it’s not a sudden decision for a girl and how she went through a whole ordeal before she called it off. Go back in time, to where things started falling apart, and try to look at the situation that caused the friction from the point of view of a third person. Figure out what you said or did that triggered the breakup. I stress on this, because this will help you – how? We will get to that. It is important that you reflect upon your mistakes and understand how that hurt her. Most of the times, what a woman wants is not an apology, but for you to understand the gravity of the mistakes.

Sometimes as you reflect back, you may also see that, the incident that triggered your breakup was not that big of a deal. Now, there are two ways to look at this:

  • Either, you are looking at it as quite a trivial matter, but in reality, it holds a lot of importance for her. If that is the case, you need to understand, why it matters to her so much. Like I said, a woman wants you to understand. And if you think about it, relationships are built on the fundamentals of understanding. When you understand, you will be able to connect with her better – not just yet, but this is the first step.
  • The second way to look at it is the trigger for the breakup was indeed something of a very low magnitude. Again there are two ways to look at it: if this was the first time you had a disagreement and she decided to call it off, there is no need to pursue this woman, she’s got some issues. But more often than not, it’s actually because of the build-up of emotions of being let down time and again, that caused this. The last thing that happened between the two of you, might be small, but she was already on the tipping point, and even this little thing was enough to push her off the edge.

Since, you are already missing her, playing in your mind, the record of all the times you spent together, you might as well focus on the times you had disagreements and see where you went wrong.

Step 2: Take Ownership

Nothing turns a woman on like a man who is a responsible person. In fact, in a woman’s dictionary, a real man is defined as one who can take responsibility, puts his ego aside and owns up to his mistakes. It portrays how much you value the relationship over everything else. And that’s what women seek – a man who is mature enough to value a relationship. When you do that you present yourself as the man who she fell in love with – not the one who she hates. Again, I want to repeat, you are not meeting her just yet.

Step 3: The Period of Silence

This is a very important step in getting your ex back, even if she hates you – this period of time, right after the breakup is essential for the both of you, to reflect upon everything, figure out how you feel about each other and take a decision without getting carried away by emotions. It gives her time to cool off, because trust me, this is not the kind of iron that you want to strike when it’s hot. She will be mad at you, but hatred is not something which normal people want to harbour. The body’s natural response will try to make her feel better – and slowly she will start thinking about the good times you spent together.


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Take a month at the least and during this period make absolutely no contact – no calls, no messages, NO ACCIDENTALLY MEETING HER AT THE GROCERY STORE! This no contact period will lead her to think, if everything is alright with you – which means she is concerned about you ie she still loves you. It may also bring thoughts, if she made a mistake by calling off the whole thing – which means she subconsciously wants to get back with you.

Step 4: Work On yourself

While you are taking the time off, work on yourself – exercise not just makes you get in shape and look good, it is also known to relieve stress. When you are stress free, you will not come off a desperate or needy when you finally come face to face with her. Neediness is a huge turn off.

Step 5: Make Contact

We are in the prime of technology. Make use of it to make contact, but be subtle. It’s the first message you are dropping her in a long time. Keep it short and try not to come off too strong. A simple ‘Hi! How are you’ will do. ‘I love you’ or ‘I want you back’ is a strict no no. Sometimes it may take time to get a reply, but more often than not, you will get one. When you do get one, send her a hand written letter apologizing for everything that you didn’t do right. That will do half the work for you.

Step 6: Ask her out

It might not be a good idea to get her to go out with you alone, so try to meet her in a group, preferably with both of your friends involved. Try to get into the good books of her friends. If they like you, she will too. When you meet her, you must be glowing with confidence and attraction – it brings back memories of how she fell for you. Keep meeting as acquaintances and try to be polite and chivalrous. Chivalry goes a long way.

Step 7: The Date

When you have met her for a couple of times the anticipation has built up and you are now comfortable around each other like you used to be. The hatred she had for you is now all forgotten and she is ready to move on. All you have to do is look charming and confident, not talk about the past and ask her gently that you’d like another chance. Chances are – she will say yes.


Getting a girl back is not that difficult – she once loved you. What is difficult is keeping her – she once left you. So, before you try to get her back, get some clarity of your own, make a plan on not repeating the same mistakes and Viola! You have yourself a partner for life.


Anna Perkins is a relationship writer who offers her own forthright opinion over the worlds of dating, romance, relationships , marriage and friendships. She loves cats, traveling, spending time with her son and husband.


  1. Stephen Michaels Reply

    What if when you first started out, you both were deeply in love with eachother. Love you nevet knew was possible. You got scared and she got needy and wanted to be the most important thing in your life and you had a lot going on in your life and you were immature and you sometimes told her off for it or didnt include her in everything sometimes. Then after a few years she stopped trying and you freeked out and became the needy and whiny one. Then she broke up with you for good because you were heartbroken and sad all the time. She wont talk to you anymore. She said she let go and is happy being single. That you should move on. But you love her. She called you her soul mate once but you weren’t ready for that and when you were she had given up. Its all your fault. You had emotional problems and trust issues. Now your better. You went to counseling and truly changed because you wanted to and you really love her, she is your soul mate, but she won’t talk to you. She blocked your phone. I really dont want to regret it all my life. I know why our love ended and and I have fixed the root causes. How do I get her to see that I have changed? I dont want her to feel like Im forcing my love on her and I don’t want to never know if that amazing love could last now that I have changed.

    • @Stephen Michaels

      What you described is exactly what I’m going through, the only difference is that I broke up with her, but after 3 weeks I realised I wanted her back, except she didn’t want me anymore. I honestly don’t know how it came to this point because there was once a time where I knew she loved me so much. I burned a couple bridges after we broke up and I said some things I didn’t really mean but said anyways out of anger. I apologised and I made serious changes to my life to prove to her that I changed but she still wants nothing to do with me. She’s blocked me on everything also. I’ve waited 5 months since the initial breakup with minimal contact hoping time would heal all but unfortunately it doesn’t because yesterday I asked her if we could talk and she said no. What are we supposed to do?

  2. Holy mackerel!!! That is exactly what is going on with me. Pfa and other shitz. I hope we both could move on this oppressive rut were in.

  3. I do agree that hating someone implies that you once loved (and maybe still love) that person but what if past events changed your perspective on that person? What if you still feel love but not for the actual person but for the one you once thougth he or she was, while that image of him/her is now shattered? (For example due to cheating/lying/abuse and that kind of stuff). That seems like a very good reason not to want your ex back (even though you once loved him) because he simply doesn’t meet your desires anymore. Therefore I find it pretty patronising to say “it’s not that hard” to convince a woman to love you again.
    Besides, even if you can actually change and solve former issues, if you’ve lost your credibility (cheating and lying again! And often also making promises you didn’t keep) your ex may never want to see or believe your possitive changes.

    Hate to say it, but some relationships are beyond repair.

  4. The reality is if a boy/man feels hated by a girl/woman, it is because he loves her and she does not love him. It is natural for a person to feel hated by someone who does not love them. No breakup has to even take place for a man to feel hated by a woman he loves. However, that feeling of constant hate will eventually lead to a relationship’s end, because hate is not love and it does not feel like love. For whatever the reason for a man to feel hated by a woman, often times there is no fixing anything, not time, not hard work, not great progress or even great success will make any difference in the person’s life you love. Once a person falls out of love, it may never return and when that happens, it is only natural to feel hated by the person you still love.

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