“I want her back,” guys would often tell each other and themselves, but no amount of wishful thinking will bring back their wives or take away all the hurtful things that they’ve told her. The truth of the matter is that breakups and even divorces are also the products of relationships.

Note that I didn’t say ‘part of the relationship’ with regards to divorces. That is because breakups don’t cause themselves. They are the inevitable end product and symptoms of other problems, not the least of which include miscommunication, infidelity, arrogance, aloofness, you name it… Anything and everything can gradually cause a perfectly good relationship to turn on itself, and sometimes people have a hard time coping with their long term effects.

Cases of divorce in the past century weren’t as prevalent as they are now. However, as women began to take jobs, the institution of marriage changed to the point that the number of divorces would eventually increase dramatically.

So you can keep telling yourself “I want her back” but unless you retrace your steps, you won’t be able to put the problem in the right perspective. When we take into account the unpredictable nature of relationships in general, the problems which lead to divorce come from various sources. The most common causes of divorce are:

  • The need for independence
  • The loss of romance in the marriage
  • Infidelity
  • Lack of sexual attraction
  • Conflict
  • Incompatibility in ideas and tastes
  • Nagging
  • Alcoholism or Drug Addiction
  • Health problems
  • Physical or Emotional Abuse
  • Impotence
  • A lack of concern for children

The pointers mentioned above are among the most common causes of marriage problems. Divorce may be the result of one or more problems. One cause may be enough for one marriage, while in another case it takes several causes to lead to divorce.

Marriages and relationships can be complicated things. Some marriages for example, don’t involve a lot of sex or physical attraction, whereas others are based around child bearing or sex. If the basis of such a marriage – in this case, sex – is destroyed, the relationship will result in a breakup. So don’t just keep telling yourself “I want her back,” take a step back and analyze what the foundations of your marriage were about and how it has been undermined.

In addition to the gradual disintegration of a relationship’s foundations, another problem that men neglect when they tell themselves “I want her back,” is the pain they cause to their spouse. For the most part, we have physical and emotional abuse. Most of the time, this is the result of alcohol, drug addiction, domestic conflict, which of course inevitably leads to a breakup.

In the case of emotional abuse, it has many forms. For example, frequently criticizing a woman’s appearance or even comparing her to another woman can lead to a lot of ill feelings. Another, albeit lesser, form of emotional abuse is to constantly disagree with her opinions over every tiny detail, or being critical of everything that she does.

Also, if you are incapable of showing any respect to her friends and family, it can lead to a similar situation which will inevitably lead to a breakup. At any rate, under these conditions, couples will simply drift apart to the point of separation.

And lastly, the most prevalent cause of divorce is the desire for independence among women. Financial independence for example can lead to a different attitude in women. With money comes an expanded sense of individuality comes into the picture and coupled with their newfound economic independence, they may not like being tied down at home.

Moreover, separate careers for married couples can lead to them working in different places, thus increasing the physical and mental barriers which come with families with two bread winners. Although there’s nothing wrong with women with careers or families with working mothers, if such a situation is allowed to get out of hand, it could lead to separation.

The causes mentioned here, taken singly or as a group, can lead to divorce. However, better understanding between couples can also reduce the chances of divorce. Or if divorce do happen, they can help men to figure out how to get their wives back and not just stamp their feet while impotently demanding, “I want her back.”


Anna Perkins is a relationship writer who offers her own forthright opinion over the worlds of dating, romance, relationships , marriage and friendships. She loves cats, traveling, spending time with her son and husband.

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