You might have often heard that most girls don’t like to be romantically involved with needy men. But what is this needy men thing? And what traits that those poor guys show that make most girls avoiding romantic involvement with them?

Let’s see it from the girls’ views, from those who happened to date needy and clingy men (I edited the spelling and grammar to make them more readable. I also changed the name for privacy reasons):

Mary from Tennessee wrote:

“I don’t like the feeling as if I am the man in the date. He never takes the initiatives. He always asks me what I want, where to go. At first I like it. I thought at last I found somebody who cared enough for what I want. But now, I get tired of his indecisiveness.

He is a good man and I love him, but I want a guy that can lead me and tell me what to do or not to do. You know, as a girl sometimes I want somebody tells me what to do even when I don’t necessarily need it.”

Katya from Bucharest:

“I had ever been in a relationship with a needy man for almost a year. Yes he had some wonderful qualities and was very thoughtful, but his clingy and neediness drove me crazy! He continuously needed to be reassured that I loved him and cared for him. Overtime, I got fed up with it and broke him off!”

Mila from Mumbai:

“I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Being in relationship with him was a horrible experience for me. There was no single day when he did not call me and asked me where I was and what I was doing. If I didn’t answer the phone, he would call and text me repeatedly.”

Shinta from Jakarta:

“I practically lost all my friends with him. He never let me go with my friends, even my girl friends. Sometimes I needed to be alone or to be with my friends without him always bugging me. We girls need personal space too, don’t we?

Two years later, I got tired of his attitude and I broke him off. But as I expected, he came and begging, telling that he would not live without me. First I felt sorry for him and went back on with him again. But he just could not change.

I could not stand him anymore so I broke up with him again, this time for good. I swear to myself, I will never date needy guys again!”

Anna from Yorkshire:

“I don’t know why I always date needy men. I am sick and tired of it. They are too boring. I wonder will they ever learn to say no to the girls they like. I am a woman and I want to be treated like one. Don’t let me decide on all things. He is the man, he should be the one who decides.”

Francoise from Toulouse:

I am done with needy men. They don’t have life. They made me their world. I am not that good. I don’t want to take responsibility on their lives. I have enough problem in my life already and I will not let anybody else throw their problems onto my doorstep!

Can you see what those girls mainly point out on their complains about their needy boyfriends? Mainly there are two, ie:

  • Lack of leading quality
  • Insecurity

It is the insecurity feelings that make those men overly needy. Their neediness then takes its form as jealousy, possessiveness, nervousness and so forth, typical to needy men.

About the lack of leading quality that often signifies needy men, many dating experts say that the root of it is the insecurity feelings, too. While this maybe true to most men, I believe it is not always the case.

There are so many men fail to show their leading capacity to their women. This happens, not only to ordinary men, but also to those who have proven their leadership qualities in many occasions.

In my opinion, based on my own experience and observations, in addition to insecurity feelings, there are other factors that can cause this phenomenon:

  • Wrong knowledge/concept about women
  • Inability to control the emotional current
  • Mixing up the concept of leading

Wrong knowledge/concept about women

What we see, hear and experience since childhood made us the way we are now. If we grew up in a home where the mother was more dominant, for instance, we may subconsciously believe that in a relationship, the woman should be given greater portion of authority and responsibility.

Or, we may have read too much the writings that are so common today in the media about how women can lead better than men because of those bla-bla-bla arguments that of course looks make sense from the writer’s own point of view.

Although it may be true (and it is the truth that there are some women who had proved themselves to be a better leader than men in history), in fact doing so can make us grouped into that needy men class. Many of those writings forget to mention that most women, up to this day, prefer to be lead in relationship than to be the leader. It is instinctive, built-in preference in women.

So the point is, regardless of what you have read or heard, most girls and women love to be lead in relationship. Leading quality is one of the most qualities women look for in a man.

Don’t hesitate to take your role as a leader in your relationship, but lead gently and lovingly. You will never make yourself into that needy men group this way.

Inability to control the emotional current

It is common for everyone of us – men and women, boys and girls – to feel nervous around, or when talking to, the person we are attracted to very much. It is normal and happens all the time.

But problem arises when the feelings are only on our side, if she does not feel the same way about us. Our nervousness will be seen as lack of confidence. She might perceive us as one of those needy men. But it won’t happen if she shares the same feeling, because she’ll be too busy with her own nervousness smile emo

Or, if the nervousness always prevents us from approaching her or getting in contact with her, she may think that we have no interest in her at all and thus eliminates us from her potential partner list.

If that happens, it would be harder for us to get closer to her. So, in anyway we can, we should get rid of that nervousness as soon as we can.

How? One, by not thinking too highly of her. She is not a goddess or angel or something like that. She is just a girl, an ordinary girl like your every other female friends. She is just a girl with her own shortcomings and insecurities – just like you.

Think about her that way and then approach her, talk to her. It will be easier for you and you will not look like one of those needy men to her.

Mixing up the concept of leading

Believe it or not, but this happens so many times to good guys everywhere. A man might be a successful leader in a leading company or prominent institution, but he fails in his approaches to the women.

Why? It could be because, he subconsciously mixes up his concept of leading. He thinks he should lead his woman the same way he leads the people. But that’s not the right approach with women. Doing so will only make him grouped into that needy men species!

While in a company, club or institution it is a good practice to brainstorm and have every member of the steering committee to give their ideas and opinions, in a relationship it is you, as the man, who have to make the plan and decision first. Only if she obviously objects will you ask her opinion and suggestion.

Be the gentle and loving leader for your woman, and she will happily follow you. You will not be one of those needy men this way.

And last but not the least, consider to be like a bad boy – but minus the cheating and all the other negative traits – for your women. She’ll love it very much.


Anna Perkins is a relationship writer who offers her own forthright opinion over the worlds of dating, romance, relationships , marriage and friendships. She loves cats, traveling, spending time with her son and husband.

1 Comment

  1. Ok let me give you my “5 cents” about the actual reallity before we lable men as “needy” and maybe see a different prespective.

    I agree with few of the statements that the girls in the examples gave but not all of them are true. I will point out which ones and why…

    Francoise from Toulouse wrote:
    I am done with needy men. They don’t have life. They made me their world. I am not that good. I don’t want to take responsibility on their lives. I have enough problem in my life already and I will not let anybody else throw their problems onto my doorstep!

    First relationships are two way street, this type of girl is highly narcissistic and selfish – usually men are only a tool in her free time to entertain her, she never invests emotionally deep enough and never makes anyone else a priority in her life but herself. If we as man try to explain that in order to have a healthy relationship we need to have trust, stability and last but not least investment in us and the relationship more than seeing it just like a “side hobby” in this case – we man can easly be labled as NEEDY… but this will be far from the reallity. A women or a man (regardless of gender) who says the other person is “boring” is moustly when they themselves are boring, and usualy those type of persons jump from relationship to relationship trying to fill that void in themselves – its not your partners responsibility to entertain you or to “make you happy” thats your own job regardless if you are a man or a women. About the “deciding” part we as men also want a PERSON beside us not a robotic doll without any personal opinion. There is a fine line between a submissive girlfriend and a non existend person. Obviously this girl wants someone to control her and shape her indentity – in other words she doesnt know who she is, she doesnt want a partner (equal) she is still looking for daddy… we can add “issues” aswell. So now we can make an argument wheter or not the guys she was dating were needy in the first place or just a projection of her own trauma. Notice how most of them say “I dont know why I ALWAYS date needy man” which is mostly self-fulfiling prophecy and re-enactment of theyr own childhood trauma with every man not just the “needy” ones. I could say alot more on the subject but I find it unnecessary. I just wanted to point out the possible problems with the girls aswell. Taking responsibility for yourself is not a gender role, its a life skill that everyone should develop in order to become an ADULT. Most of the comments in the examples were from GIRLS not WOMEN. And most of them have a clear self-love and self-esteem issues.

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