Looking for honest advice

Good morning everyone,

My situation is this. I broke up with a girl in high school, she went to College, I joined the Marines. We spoke casually throughout our time away from each other but as friends. When I got out of the Marines we reconnected through a mutual friend and at the start I had no intention of dating her. Eventually we wound up getting together and this turned into a 3 year relationship. I did not realize that I had anger management problems, and did a good job of hiding them. I eventually moved to a new city to be with her as she pursued a new degree. I landed a dead end job, was denied my dream job, and she influenced my decision to go to college. I took hold of my ego and felt that "I" was no longer myself. We moved in together and I distanced myself from her, starting to sleep in the guest bed. I began to blame her for my unhappiness because I felt like I was living her life. I wound up breaking up with her one night, saying some of the most devastating things, "I do not want to marry you," "I do not enjoy living with you," "this relationship was heading towards divorce." She responded with, "you will come to realize this as a mistake and there is no hope for us in the future." We rode the lease out together for 4 months or so and been separate for close to two months. During these 6 moths I have been going to therapy, practicing Vipassana meditation, and put on medication for sleep/depression. Needless to say there is a large feeling of remorse and guilt, and I have come to realize that I was treating her in the same manner that my dad treats my mom. I am making an honest effort to not become that man, and I did not know how I might approach this relationship again. Even if it were to simply apologize for treating her in a manner that she did not deserve.  


  • 5 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • Patricia
    Start with apologizing. If you can't meet her face to face just call her. Don't postpone. Tell her how sorry you are for the words you've said and the things you did (or didn't do). Tell her you realized this is how your father treated your mother. Be open about it and expect her to not be very enthusiastic about your apology. Tell her you missed her and ask her how she's been. Don't go into "I want us to be together again" yet. This will take a lot of time and no one knows if it will happen again. But start with a hearth felt apology. 
  • Fiona
    Be brutally honest with her. Since you've realized that you were treating her similarly to how your dad was treating your mom, you should tell her that. Just get it off your chest and don't expect her to understand or to sympathize. You are doing this for yourself, because you know this is true and you know you've messed up. Just like Patricia said, this will take time and you can never be sure if she's want to get back together or not. But you still have to do it regardless. 

    And let us know how it goes. 
  • ThatGuy681
    How long do I wait, I have been waiting for when it can be sincere. Looking for that opportunity where I know I know what I mean. I dont want to get tripped up on words
  • ThatGuy681
    And what do you think would be most effective, a letter or phone call?
  • Patricia
    Well, I know someone who tried with a letter and that didn't end up very well as the letter ended up in someone's else's hands. So, I would say a phone call may work best. And you can start calling her. Just apologize. Don't ask for anything at all. Just say you wanted to get it off your chest and you didn't mean a word you said (if that is true). The first call is important so plan what you're going to say. 
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