Help a Brotha Out!!

Hey guys! I need all the help in the world for this one. So my ex and I met back in August 2017. We knew each other since 2013 but finally connected in August. We were great together I did everything in the Perfect Gentleman Book together. Of course we would have our dumb senseless fights over bs which honestly if we could go back in time, I don’t think we could ever figured out the reason for the fight, it was that senseless. Anyway, to rewind back she got out of a 3 year relationship in July to start connecting with me in 3 weeks in early August. However, this is not a case of a rebound in a way she always liked me. So, when we fought she Would vent to her mother. Her mother started to get a real negative perspective of me, did not like the sight of me and her together. I tell her not to vent to her becuz all she’s gonna do is think like I am a shitty person. We were doing great in Jan. 2018 however her mother made her this ultimatum that she could not refuse to turn down. Either date me and cut ties with her all together. She’s in nursing school can’t affford to live on her own. She’s done in nursing school in spring of 2019. So we were both crushed she cried cried cried. I was getting upset becuz we weren’t talking anymore. I still wanted to have a connection after this big decision. However our connection began fighting. She blocked me on social media. I told her I was done and she was like letting me know it wasn’t her that blocked me it was her friends to help her move on. So she wanted to give back my stuff and I said no keep it as a memory and she stated I can’t becuz it hurts. Everything in my room reminds me of you. She cried to her one patient when her one patient asked me about. She said last week on Saturday she will always love me no matter what. That she wishes everything was back to normal in August when everything was great. All of sudden the only thing I can talk to her was ig messages, I got blocked on it, I flipped out saying to her sister what’s going on. Her sister didn’t know. Next thing I know all her friends expect for one deleted me on snap chat. Her ex before me tweeted “on to the next one I gues lol” I didn’t think nothing of it. But it was a subtweet at her. I had a mutual friend betwen each other on instagram. He screen shot her last pic of her to me, it was her with another dude and a heart emoji. She’s always dating someone else, after 12 hours saying she loves me. I’m crushed and still in love with her. Something tells me in my gut feeling this isn’t over, due to the fact it was ending on a circumstance not natural. So do I play this out obviously keep cool, see other people. Maybe when she’s done with nursing school make contact just simple hey congrats I knew you would do it ! Only thing I’m fearful is I don’t want to be lost in her mind with this new guy. I don’t mind being temporary replace but I don’t want her to ever forget me and never come back. Any advice ?! 


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  • Patricia

    Ok, so from what I can tell, you really love this girl and she loves you back. I don’t know the exact circumstances so take my advice with a grain of salt. I would absolutely make sure I loved this girl and if I realized that was the case then I wouldn’t abandon her right now. She is in a difficult situation because of her mother’s opinion of you.

    What I would do is figure things out, write a letter to this girl explaining that you love her and use details (why do you love her and how can things be fixed if she is willing to fight for this love). You need to let her know you want to give her some time if she needs it but she must take 1-2 weeks and really think and decide if she really loves you and how she sees the future with, how can this relationship move past the problems. Be ready to change and become a better man and tell her this. Tell her that you are willing to be better and ask her what needs to change with you. Be patient, don’t get angry or defensive, just listen to what she has to say.


    I would try to meet her face to face and talk a bit and then give her the letter explaining you thought about you two and this is how you feel. Tell her that you are ready to do anything to have her back and mean it. Talk to her and if she doesn’t want to talk to on the spot tell her to take a few days to think about it but ask her to not ask anyone’s opinion, just to look inside her own heart. Tell her you are really serious and committed about this.


    Please, start reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman - it's exactly what you need to get to know what love language she uses and which one you like best. This is extremely important and a major reason why people break up - they don't understand their own love language and the one of their loved ones. If you don’t read this book chances are you two are going to start fighting again and again and this will never work out.


    Also, when you write, please put some breaks after paragraphs so it's easier to read your text :). Thanks. 


  • Psciulli02
    My bad on the break up of the paragrahs!! How’s the deal we live two hours away from each other, that shouldn’t be an issue. 

    my issue is this her friends are influencing her of moving on and they all blocked me on all social media. I couldn’t even text her if I could. I wrote her a 10 page text of how I felt about her. She literally started crying and stated this is literally the hardest thing I ever have to do. 

    I wanted To write her a letter, hell I wanted to send her a birthday card in April 11th to be exact. But I fear since she’s dating this new dude that it’s not going to mean anything, due to the fact this new guy is fresh and new on her mind distracting herself from me. She can’t see me on social media becuz she’s blocking me out and focusing on the new dude. 

    I still have Patience and would do anything out of the ordinary to do anything to get her back. I just don’t want to be too needy pushy or forward. Girls don’t like that. I don’t wanna come off desperate, same time I’m showing I still care. 

    I havent talked to her since Jan 28th. Feb 3rd was her new pic of her new guy. So I’m starting to lose hope which I don’t want to do. 
  • Patricia

    If you can’t get her on social media, just go to her school. Just talk to her. Make sure she understands you want to give her space and time to think about things but tell her to think for a few days about you two and let you know if you still have a chance. You can’t move forward if she doesn’t want to anymore. Maybe she’s just not sure what to do right now and she needs some time. Tell her you understand and you’ll give her time but that this is extremely difficult for you as well and you also need to know there’s some hope you two can get back together. Ask her what you need to do for this to happen. 

  • Psciulli02
    I understand what you are sayin and telling me! I get that time and space is everything! How do I go about all this knowing there’s another guy in the picture. Like why did she move on that fast. 
  • Patricia
    Are you absolutely sure she is seeing another guy? Sometimes things are not as they look. And if she is indeed seeing him it could just be her way of dealing with this bad situation - it doesn't necessarily mean that she moved one - in life, things are much more complicated then they appear on the surface. Again, I can't be sure of this since I'm not there, but I'm making an educated guess. 

    I would try to find her and chat with her. And if at first you don't succeed, try again. Don't be pushy but don't give up either, it's going to be difficult but anything worthwhile is that way. You just want to see what she is thinking and show her that you are there for her and love her. 

    Also, if possible, could she live with you so she doesn't have to stay with her mother? This could solve some issues. Or maybe could you two move in together in a small apartment or something like that? Is that even a possibility? 
  • Psciulli02
    I believe she is , her ex before me tweeted “wow on to the next one I guess”. He’s immature that doesn’t let go.

     But anyway, she posted a pic on line with a heart under as the caption. If she’s with this guy. It’s either two things, one this is her way of coping with the relationship. As normal people sulk and be depressed. She’s using this as a rebound to get through it better. Or 2; she really likes this guy.

    I can see both at the same time. I am hoping with her blocking me on social media except still have access seeing my stuff through a mutual friend and her talking to this guy now. I hope she doesn’t get over me and I still haunt around her thoughts. 

    She he goes to nursing school and belongs in a program up her area. Couldn’t leave to move in with me just yet. It was a thought once she graduated. 
  • Patricia
    Why couldn't she move in with you right now?

    Again, I would try to talk to her - it's the only way to find out what is going on. She may not want to talk or may say who knows what to you but don't take it to heart but we often say things we don't mean or we just say things that could keep someone away because we are hurting. It's very complicated but I wouldn't give up and try to talk to her multiple times, explaining that I want her back and that I want to change and make things better. Ask yourself: what does she need? Does she need a friend to talk to? Does she need help with her mother issue? You need to try to put yourself in her shoes and try to help her in any way you can. It's worth a shot I think, but always keep in mind that she may not want you back - this, unfortunately is a possibility - but we're not there yet so keep moving forward. 
  • Psciulli02
    Couldn’t work it’s kinda long distance with us. 

    Im gonna wait it out for a bit, then I’ll make contact with dr. Right now it hasn’t been two full weeks since we talked. Not sure if I am on her mind or not. But the break up is still fresh, which means the no contact rule isn’t really been in effect. One day I’m gonna have to talk to her and break down where things wrong and how can we avoid them and what can we do to make this better. As for right now, I definitely the last thing on her mind. And if I even make contact now, she would just ignore it. 
  • Patricia
    Ok. Waiting a bit might work but start "preparing" what you're going to say, how you are going to do things differently, what possible answers she could give you (take into account the bad ones that could happen and what you could say). While I get the no contact rule I pretty much don't believe in such rules and don't abide them. If I love someone, I have to talk to them no matter what the rules say. You know better what's best in this case. I'm pretty sure you're on her mind. 
  • Psciulli02
    I have the plan on what to say, IF she comes back to me and wants to work things out! I’m not a mind reader I can’t tell how it is going to play out. 

    I see what your saying regarding don’t follow the rules. But situation isn’t that easy due to the fact she doesn’t want to talk to me at the minute. 

    I apperciate hearing that, becuz I keep thinking she pretty sure she’s not feeling me right now nor care to see what I am doin or if i even on her mind. We will never know if it’s the opposite or not. 
  • Patricia
    I am 99% sure she is thinking of you. There's no way she doesn't. The thing is does she think of things like "Will we ever be together again? Can that ever work?" or "Those were some great times." - I don't know if she's considering a possibility of a future with you or she's too hurt now and doesn't know what to think. That's what I don't know. 

    You can give her some time and then think of ways you could try to get her to be less upset at you. What does she react to? Would she find it funny if you told her a little joke or does she hate that? You know her. Put yourself in her shoes and see what the best way to handle this would be. 
  • Psciulli02
    You are right ! She’s probably hurt and confused about this whole situation between her mom and I. She’s dating someone new to void the gap and not be heart broken. I’m sure I am on her mind, I just wish I had some type of proof or like evidence or sign that she is thinking of me, when she’s with another guy that’s recent. 

    I gotta think of something to catch her off guard and be like oh haha hi! Something along the lines that I’m still here. Not sure what it can be. Right now not a good time she’s distracted with the new guy especially in this romance month of February. With the new movie coming out too 50 shades. Those are the things working against me. Instead of time of her thinking I should be with him however I need to work things out with him and my mother. 
  • Patricia
    You need to be patient and I know that is very difficult. You need to wait for the right time and try to talk to her again. You need to stay on her radar without overstepping boundaries. You need to show that you respect her wishes but you still love her and you won't give up. 

    And you must also make up a plan to win her mother over, step by step (if it's possible of course). Think about it for a few days and try to write down some ideas of how you could make her mother see you with different eyes. Put yourself in her shoes and see what she sees. What would make her change her mind?
  • Psciulli02
    Breakthrough!!! Status Change. So last night at work, she texted me saying “how you are doing well” I responding saying I’m doing “quite well” to show that I’m okay and I’m not depressed. Didn’t want to show too much weakness. She was stunned on my response. 

    She was probably expecting the opposite of wht I told her. She thought I was drinking more and hooking up with women. I advised her that, that wasn’t the case that my career has taken off. She was happy for me. 

    I asked her her how she was. She said she was struggling with school but passing. She said she’s been getting Migraines, and her aniexty is through the roof. I told her she needs to calm down and relax everything will be okay. She stated that her heart was ripped out too. 

    Towards the end of our text messages she stated, I miss you perr. I responded saying do you really, she read it this morning at 6:10am and has not responding back to me. I got annoyed and just expected whatever happens, happens at this point now. 
  • Patricia
    I know it's hard and annoying but you need to get used to these kinds of moments as they may happen again and again. It's good that she texted you - that's a big step forward. I think, today you should try finding a few things to help her out with her anxiety maybe. Search for ways to do that and send her some links from articles/videos. Here is one that will help her:

    Make sure you think of her needs, do the research and then send her what you find. She's probably appreciate it. Don't ask her again "Do you really?" let her talk in her own time and don't force these kinds of questions unless she talks about things like these. 
  • Psciulli02
    I am still skeptical just becuz of the pic with the other guy. But her texting me is a huge start her saying she misses me too is a huge start. However, not liking the read message after a question was asked and no response. I guess now I just will be there as a Friend if she is struggling with life issues. But I am still going to wait until she makes the first couple efforts to talk to me since I did in the past. But now I’m just playing the waiting game again. 
  • Patricia
    You can't know for sure what she's thinking. I don't know why she is with that guy or if it's serious or not. It may just be her way of dealing with things. And to not replying to your text, again, I don't think she's ready to just say she wants you back. That's why I don't really like texting - you can't get the feeling of the other person, you can't see/hear if they are true to what they write or not. It's very hard to understand what's really going on. I prefer face to face and if that's not possible, at least talking on the phone. 

    Anyway, you could play the waiting game for a bit (3-7 days maybe) and see what happens in that time and if she sends another text or something. You could play the waiting game longer and just look for ways to help her (like I've previously suggested) and when you find a few interesting articles/videos just send them to her saying "Hope these help you. Take care of yourself." - just show her you care about her but not say anything clear. Just SHOW her you care by finding these things that will help her out and then wait for her to contact you. 
  • Psciulli02
    Well change of plans; the photo of the supposedly new guy was a way to make me jealous haha. She does care and still love me. She hates how its so much. She still wants me to stay and work things out regardless of the circumstances. 

    We we talked and FaceTime for hours to figure out and reassure each other on how we feel and were we stand on each other. We still got to do a lot of work but slowly and surely we are making progress.  Thank you ! 
  • Patricia
    WOW! That's wonderful! I am very happy for you :)

    Congratulations BUT and this is a huge BUT please re-read everything I said to you and make notes just like I said. Read that book and then ask her to read it because otherwise all of this will repeat itself and you'll fight again and again without knowing why. You need to dig deep to change and it's not going to be easy. If you really want to have an amazing relationship with her, you owe it to yourself and to her to become better and for this to happen you need to invest time and effort into the RIGHT things. This book and the series of videos on Relationship Theory are a great start to do this. I really hope I only hear good things from you two but I'm always here if you need more help!

    Again, I'm very happy for you and keep me posted on new developments :)!  
  • Psciulli02
    Hey thank you I apperciate your ears and intake on this! Right now we are just working on ourselves at the same time working on each other take things super slow. Work on our mistakes diagnose the problem and come up with a resolution. Everything is going just perfect at the moment which I don’t think it was going to be. Catching up with her this Friday just for a one on one lunch date. 
  • Patricia
    That's great! I hope the date goes well and that your relationship grows from now on! 

    Don't want to be a broken record, but please always keep reading, learning, growing because if you aren't growing, your going down and I've seen many great relationships destroyed because people didn't want to improve themselves and be more empathic towards their loved ones. 

    A real relationship needs a lot of communication, humor, knowing the other person's love language (so you know how to talk to them), knowing what to do when she/he is angry and how to react, etc. 
  • Psciulli02
    Thank you ! Taking it slow like as if we never met before. This time don’t start off as much lust and definitely need to work on the communication skills on both parties. No need to jump to conclusions or assuming situations and of course OVERTHINK
  • Patricia
    You're welcome :)! I hope everything works out and for that to happen you need to work on yourself and talk to her a LOT. If you want this to last you need to put in the effort. I've shown you a few things that will help and the rest is ultimately up to you. Remember: if you want things to change, you have to change. And you can always do it, you just have to decide you want an amazing relationship and not just a regular one. 

    Also, you need to fix things with her mother. Start showing her that you care about her daughter and don't expect much love from her. You need to win her trust and that's going to take time but you need to make the first step. 

    I am always here if you need help or just someone to talk to, so don't be a stranger! 
  • Psciulli02
    Thank you for everything talking to you was like a fresh breath of air! Really appreciate everything. I have to change and stop being petty like why isn’t she texting me 24/7 stuff like that. I just  need to ride this out like your friendship and see where it goes as a relationship where work on communication.  Because communication is key. 

    As for me and her slow and  surely  who won the race but for me and her mother can take some time but there’s a possiblity it can happen where she likes me again. I have hope always will even when I don’t feel like there is
  • Patricia

    You’re welcome! And thanks for the kind words; glad to be of help! Everything worthwhile in life will take time so try to learn from this experience and see what mistakes you’ve made. Don’t analyze others, just yourself. What did you do wrong? What could you have done better/differently? What changes are you going to make to yourself to ensure you don’t make the same mistakes again?


    Life will try to teach us a lesson we haven’t learned again and again and again. Unfortunately, many people never learn important lessons, so life tries to teach them once more and again and so on. That’s why we see so many divorces for example: because people don’t sit down and ask what did I do wrong? They just like to blame anyone else but themselves. If they’d ask the right (and difficult) questions, their marriages wouldn’t end.


    You need to become a new man, one that inspires trust to both her mother and her and even yourself. If you don’t trust yourself and don’t respect yourself, how can you ask this of others? Work on yourself every single day and you’ll soon find you’ve become much better than you thought you could be.


  • Psciulli02
    Trying my best to be the best man and will back approvals from people that changed from positive to negative. Also,  trying to prove I change which I have, and her accepting this new person in me. Still the same guy, but different attitudes and views. Everything takes time and effort. I just need her to stop being so scared of us becuz no one is rooting for us at the moment. 
  • Patricia
    It's great to have people rooting for you, but, honestly, that doesn't even matter. If you two help each other grow and love each other and push each other in the right direction, working as a team, who cares who else is rooting or not? All that matters (in the end) is that you love each other, respect and motivate each other to become better. And it all starts with you. Change your attitude and then you'll change the way you talk and do things and people will soon notice and start liking you more. You'll soon have people rooting for you guys but it will take time and effort placed in the right things. 

    And hey, I’m rooting for you two :)

  • Psciulli02
    That’s what I keep telling her at the end of the day it’s just, us and us only !! But it is nice to have people support us and what we have, but at the same time I don’t need approval from them! ;) 

    We are both working on each other, indivually. I stated to her we need to build something better, but it has to start by both of us changing our ways. But hey thanks for the support! :) 
  • Psciulli02
    Things went south bad. Something came up that she got so furious about and she stated she wants time and space from me. So in respect I gave her time and space until she keeps texting me. She stated idk why I say I want time and space from you but I still end up texting you. 

    in my heart I don’t want to ever end this. But her all the times avodiance. I call her out are we done. She states idk. We snapped this morning I wore the necklace that she got me. She was like good. Then I stated to be an ass. I’m like yeah you don’t care but I do! And she goes all mad saying I’m saying stupid dumb stuff. I only said that to get a reaction out of her. I kept asking her I’m leaving her alone and I’m done for good. She never responds to those messages. 

     Today I wrote her a long message regarding our relationship saying just be honest to me I want to know everything. Don’t you miss what we have the past last week. It was like when we first started talking. I told her not to response at this minute becuz she is busy with school as of right now. But if I don’t get a response. I’m going to break it off with her. It’s of course a bluff. But I want to see the real reaction if she would care or not. 
  • Patricia
    Sorry to hear this :(. I wouldn't do these kinds of things (saying I'll leave and calling her bluff) - it just seems like they won't get anyone anywhere. If you want a real, strong relationship, you need to be truthful and find other ways of helping her share things with you and tell you why she is upset. You should strive to be the kind of man that when he says something, he means it and does it. Try to be calm and give her some space and don't push her (when you're together) - just tell her you love her and want you as a couple to grow and for that she needs to talk to you when she is ready and in her own words. Then give her space and time so she can figure out things and talk to you when she's ready. The more you push, the more she's going to keep running. 
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