What to do when she needs space

nc13
so me and this girl have been best friends/hookup, talk 24/7 and basically be in a relationship without really stating we were. She was overly in love with me and showed it a lot more than me. But we failed to communicate what we wanted from it. And as time went on we were getting a lil more serious but I failed to still treat her as a girlfriend and do things like a normal boyfriend would do in they are in love . So we spent Christmas together and everything was going great till she becam very sick and when she became sick our contact was minimal but more than ever I was very concerning and showed more affection than ever. She kept putting off seeing me and then out of blue she tells me she  needs space and time to think. I pretty much confessed how I know I failed and to really give me the chance to treat her as a girlffriemd Bc she never asked me or I told I would. After telling her I would give space she blocked me on all social media so after a week of not talkin I sent flowers to her work and left a nice message . She txt me saying thank you for the flowers. So now I'm stuck Bc I have a lot of explaining to tell her reasons why I didn't take serious and stuff like that but dnt want to interrupt her space thing. So I was wondering if writing a letter of everything on my mind would be a good thing to send in mail so she can truly have all the answers to everything?
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Comments

  • 66 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • Alexia
    Yep. I would like to receive a letter explaining that but make sure she actually reads it.
  • Patricia
    Don't give up on her if you really love her! Even if it's difficult, even if she rejects you (for whatever reason) if you really love this woman, give it your all. Make sure you send her the letter, send her flowers, emails, texts - tell her how you feel and that you need to see her and talk to her. Ask her what she needs. What does she need in a relationship? What needs to change with you so she would love to be in a relationship with you?
  • nc13
    Ok thanks for both your inputs , now the letter is more explaining and apology. Should I send in mail to her or personally deliver it her house un announced?
  • Patricia
    I can't speak for you, but if it were me, I would write the letter in a word document so I could have it in this format as well and then write it by hand. I would send the letter by mail and I would wait 1-2 days maybe and then phone her or text her explaining I've written a letter to her. I would ask her to read it and get back to me with thoughts. I would tell her it's all from the heart and that I miss her and ask her (nicely) to read it and reply back (however she wants: by letter, email, on the phone). Let us know how it goes, NC13 and good luck!
  • Patricia
    Oh, forgot to mention: tell her you are ready to give her some space if that's what she needs but you really need her to answer the letter so you know how to become the man she thinks you can be (use these words). If you really love her, you'll do your best to become that man (as long as she is reasonable of course). 
  • nc13
    Thank you a million Patricia! And also you think prior to sending letter it's good to send a txt saying sorry for getting emotional and being out of character  Bc i did the whole beg thing unfortunately . Or should I just put that in letter n give few days till contact again?
  • Patricia
    Give her a few days. And I personally see nothing bad in begging if she's worth it. BUT you have to make sure she feels the same way about you and that she wants you two to have a serious relationship. You won't know this for sure until she reads and replies to the letter. I always say that if the other person wants a serious relationship and I really love her/him then I am going to go at it all in and be the best I can be at it. 

    Now I do not know your situation exactly and don't know what happened and how she/you reacted and a lot of other details so take everything I say with a grain of salt and try to decide what is best to do. I can give advices all day long but without having all the facts, it's hard to give out the right kind of advice. You know her and probably know (in your heart) how to handle this situation. 
  • nc13
    She basically made her decision and made it clear to me know matter how much I beg or what I say will change her mind. so she been thinking anout thisnfor a few weeks and then I feel like she made her decision to finally do it and then she didn't expect me to open up n beg but she didn't like it took for her to do this for me to finally open up. So now I made it even harder for her Bc now she has more thinking to do . But taking me off all social media and all that showed she really made this decision. And to stay with it.
  • Patricia
    Taking you off social media can mean a lot of things. Sometimes people just react this way. Maybe you did something to upset her deeply and she just doesn't want to see you for a while (maybe that's why she took you off social media). Again, tell her you respect and like/love her and that you only want to help her. Just send the letter and ask her to think about what you said in there and answer as soon as she can. Tell her you can be patient (and be) but you need some kind of a guidance (that's why you need her to reply). 
  • nc13
    Ok thanks , I just hope she will open the letter only concern about all this. But the letter I wrote def made me feel a lot better and showed me I really do love her. And don't want to loose her. 
  • Patricia
    Make sure you make some copies of your letter because you never know what will happen. Maybe she destroys it or something else happens. It's best to have copies. 

    I would write the letter, mail it and then try to talk to her (on the phone is best probably). I would tell her I understand she needs time to process things and that I want to give her time. I would listen to what she says, just listen, don't say anything, let her talk. Show her that you are there for her and then tell her that you want to become a better man and that you wrote a letter to her explaining yourself. Say this and then pause and see what she says. Don't get defensive or angry no matter what she says. Just tell her you need her feedback to know how to be a better man for her. 
  • nc13
    Thanks a lot for all your advice!
  • nc13
    Hey Patricia , I sent the letter in the mail , which will take about 2-3 days from today. is there any other actions or anything you can recommend  I should do in the mean time or I just have to wait it out? 
  • Patricia
    I would write down some thoughts and then maybe try to call her. Or maybe send her a sms and tell her you miss her. You can try telling her about the letter now or wait another day - it's your choice. 

    I the mean time, I HIGHLY recommend you take some time and read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman - I think it will help a LOT! 
  • nc13
    Ok and on Friday my friend that was curious about who she was added her on Instagram and then today mean him worked out and he put me in his video n she saw it and then she txted me saying . "Please don't have your friends follow me" .  She is getting rediculous . What should I say back or do?
  • Patricia
    Again, I can't objectively advice you on what is best to do. I am not in your shoes and I don't know the full situation. But it seems that she wants her privacy or that she wants some time to think. If she texted you and asked nicely I think you should reply back with something like "Ok. I understand you want time to think. I just miss you and want to see you and talk a bit. Can we do that?"

    Also, if I'm not too indiscreet, what is your age, NC13 and what is her age?  
  • nc13
    I'm 25 and she's 28
  • nc13
    Her love was givin by actions and doing every possible thing a guy can ask for without me asking she  , cleaned , shopped cooked my meals , laundry she really did it all but she never was once communicated on what she wanted from me and same goes for me. But in that letter I wrote I explained how I failed at communicating and I'm working on all that and we got to that point Bc of poor communication 
  • Patricia
    She sounds like a great woman and I am hoping you guys get back together. This depends on what she wants and how much you've hurt her in the past by not communicating your love. I don't know the specifics but I hope she'll forgive that and see that you want to grow and become better. 

    Please, start reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman - it's exactly what you need to get to know what love language she uses and which one you like best. This is extremely important and a major reason why people break up - they don't understand their own love language and the one of their loved ones. 

    We will see what and if she replies to your letter and then think what needs to be done. Again, always keep a cool head no matter what she says and always remember your end objectives: to get her back into your life and to become a better man so you two can be happy. There's no point in staying with someone if you don't make them happy and they don't make you feel the same.

    Start focusing on her strengths, the things that make you go "WOW" and don't ever focus on weaknesses. Remember: what you focus on grows! This goes for you as well: focus on the things you want for yourself and what you like about yourself. Never denigrate yourself and don't relieve your past mistakes - the only reason why you should go into the past is to learn a lesson but once you went there and got a closer look, don't go back - live in the moment, appreciate what you have and always strive to become better with each passing day!
  • nc13
    Yea I will , your advice has helped me tremendously and can't thank you enough! When she got sick she had stop takin. Adderall and started to take all these steroids and all these diff meds and I really think all that stuff really made her loose her mind and feel all sorts of different ways . So after that letter I will just have to keep that space she demands. And hopefully I get the one 1% of her confidence in me that I asked for and I told her I would earn and gain the other 99%
  • Patricia
    So happy to be able to help out, nc13! It would be awesome if you two got back together but that is just the first step and there's a LONG way to go from there. Please make absolutely sure you read that book, believe me, if you take notes and really think about what is written in it, you will have a relationship that can't be broken by anyone or anything. But you must put in the effort. Take 2-3 days and read that book, make notes and think about yourself and her love language. Make a plan of what you need to do differently and start working on yourself. 

    As for the meds, I wouldn't take anything without a doctor telling me so and even then I would be very vary. Tell her you are worried about her health and try to help her even if all that you can do is to listen to her. Tell her she can talk to you like she would a friend and be that friend to her if she gives you the chance (after she reads that letter maybe). 
  • Payton
    Hey, nc13

    Been following along with this discussion and I really hope things get better for you and her. Don't ever give up on love (unless it's not reciprocated and you're sure there's no future there) and, as Patricia suggested, aim to become better, to grow as a human being. It's going to help you. 

    Oh, and I second the book - it's a life changer - it saved my marriage (I recently had serious problems and after reading this book I started making changes and now things are so much better)! My husband has also started reading it and he has now changed for the better and it feels like our relationship is getting stronger and stronger with time. We used to fight over trivial stuff but now I really understand why we were fighting - it was a lot of tension underneath that is not there anymore. 
  • nc13
    Ok will do this is the second time I've done this to myself Bc I'm the worst at expressing my feelings and doing that , I always been the type to buy nice things and nice dinners versus opening up but I've realized I have to change Bc I end up hurting myself more by being like that. So it's definitely something I will be determined to fix and be better at
  • nc13
    Also with valentines coming up if she decides not to contact me even after I sent the letter or she tells me either she needs more time to think or she completely shuts me down would it be bad idea to make reservations for a nice dinner and send her flowers with a note saying I made reservations and would like to see you and have a nice dinner or that's too pushy?
  • Patricia
    Stop blaming yourself. Realize you have to change and want to change and start doing it. Imagine yourself being the kind of man she'd love: a man who communicates with her, someone that is her friend not just her lover. How would that man act? What would he say? Then, become that man. And a great start is to read better and more books on the subject. Also search for Youtube videos about this but make sure you aren't following some bad advice - there are YT channels that are just filled with bad advice. Here is a great one:  - this is a playlist with many videos that will definitely help you so have a look and take notes! 

    Remember: if you want to become someone different, you have to do things differently. There's so much that I or anyone else can help you with, you have to decide who you want to become and then watch/listen/read from the people that are already there and do as they did while being your own self. We can always become better than our past selves and we should never compare ourselves to others, just try to be better than we were yesterday. 

    I don't know about the reservation. She might not be ready for such a thing. Try and talk to her and maybe buy her something meaningful (don't spend a lot of money) to her. Like I said before, you need to read that book and figure out what her love language is: does she love gifts or does she really need words of encouragement? Once you know this for sure, you will know what to do every time. 
  • nc13
    She buys gifts and does actions to show love more than anything.  That girl would've done anything for me without me asking. She's just a different breed. She does everything for everyone and doesn't want anything in return. We basically had a best friend relationship with a dating type of thing but I just failed at showing her she was just more than a friend to me so in my eyes I feel like she wanted to just keep us as friends and that's it Bc she felt like I was either going to leave her or she ended up getting hurt. Plus her last relationship before me she was treated very disrespectfully and verbally abused. So she carried that kinda into Our little thing and I can tell she held back from communication Bc she was scared I would be like her ex. 
  • Patricia
    Thanks for giving me more information. In this case, you need to make sure that she knows you are different than her ex and that you appreciate her and what she has done for you (every little thing). She has to understand that you made a mistake and you are trying to fix it and become better. And from what you're saying, maybe her love language is gifts. Or maybe she just feels insecure (about different things like her past boyfriend, childhood issues, etc) and tries to do all these good things for others not expecting anything in return. 

    Your mission is to get her to talk to you and to understand that you love her, that you know you made a mistake and are trying to change and that you want her back. 
  • nc13
    I pretty much wrote that all in the letter I sent her how I know I made the mistake and my plan to get better as a person and when . But I t She told me when she wanted space that she still wanted to keep me in her life but just as a friend and nothing more Bc "she wanted to focus on herself and that's it and she also told me no matter how much I beg or do anything to get her back it would push her away more". But I then i did the whole begging thing unfortunately and told her I dnt want to be just ur friend and can't be friends with u Bc of feelings too strong for that. And she should be getting the letter today. 
  • nc13
    When she told me she needed space and time to think and all that I handled it bad by beggining and all that Bc it caught me so off guard ao I kinda panicked but it was only to tell her how I felt. It just sucks Bc in these situations most the time ppl give an altimadom and say they need u to do these things but instead she just decided to cut me off without anyway of talking or working it out. 
  • Patricia
    So, you talked to her about the letter? Just trying to understand what you're saying. if that's the case, while that's bad you must be ready to hear things like these. Not saying she will want to get back together but sometimes this is just an automated reaction - to say things like these. You need to always be ready for such things and deal with them accordingly. I know it's hard but you shouldn't give up just yet. Things may look bleak right now but they can always get better. Again, I'm not saying that things will go better because I can't know that but you should just become the kind of man that doesn't give up (at least not that easily). You need to work on yourself and become better for yourself and then for others. 
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