Once again, that commitment phobia stands in your way!

You were already with the greatest woman you had ever dreamed of. She was the most perfect female in your sight, and best of all, she loved you, too.

You wanted to be with her, to spend the rest of your life with her. Everything was going smoothly until… she talked about the future, the dream home that she wished to have with you, the children you two might have….

All of the sudden, that chill entered your heart, your mind, and then overcame your whole being. The thoughts of losing freedom, or bad memories from your past relationships made you too afraid to, again, involve yourself too deeply in this relationship. You wanted to run away… again!

You had been in many relationships before, and all ended in the same way: because of your commitment phobia – you fear of commitment. But this girl is different. Somehow you knew that this lady is “the one”, the one that you’ll never stop regretting if you lose her. You don’t want to lose her. But you’re too afraid.

Recognizing The True Cause Of Your Commitment Phobia

In order to get rid of that fear of commitment, you need to recognize what it is, truly, that you are afraid of. Is it fear of being trapped, losing freedom, losing options? Fear of making bad decision? Or fear of being dumped again for a richer guy than you are? Or fear of getting ripped again the way your ex ripped you off?

Commitment phobia also often disguises itself as “perfectionism”, fear of having to compromise their ideals for the right woman. Men with this syndrome always find “flaws” in every women they date and think that there must be someone better around the corner. From the outside they seem very picky, but inside, it is their fear that makes them hardly have meaningful relationship with any woman.

How to Deal with Commitment Phobia

Only after you recognize the things you fear the most that had prevented you from committing, you can deal with your fear of commitment successfully. But if you suspect or find out that your fear ingrained from your childhood trauma, then you need to seek spiritual or professional help. Below is the steps you can take in order to free yourself from that anxiety.

Admit that you have a commitment phobia problem
This is the very first step for every curing process. Nobody can be delivered out from his problem unless he admits that he has that problem and needs to be freed from it.

Stop and reflect

Consciously or not, a man that suffered commitment phobia often do and treat his female partner cruelly. He acted very romantically when chasing, but after sometime when the connection had been built, then he turned to be destructively critical and cruel.

So, stop and do self reflection on what you had done in your previous relationships (if any). Use this golden rule to measure up: “Do unto others what you want others do unto you”.

Try to remember what you had done and said to your exes of the past relationships and ask yourself “How if someone did that to me? How would I feel?”. If you don’t want to be treated the way you treated them, then admit that what you had done was very bad and you need to change.

Tell her your problem

This is very important! You need her help to overcome your commitment phobia. You must tell her about it, about your fear and about how you want to be free of it. She needs it and she has every right to know it.

In addition, the knowledge and understanding about your problem will empower her to endure you and your irritating behavior better.

“What? Me? Irritating?”, you might protest. Hmmm, you might not realize it. But it is common that commitment-phobic men become too critical to their partners as if nothing were right in her.

It’s their way to prevent them from being too close to their partner, “sabotaging” the relationship. Thus, this leads to the next step.

Stop criticizing

Restrain yourself from saying anything negative to her. It may not easy for you as for other commitment phobia sufferers. It’s your fear that makes you do that, almost instinctively.

But do your best to stop being too critical to her. Critics are good, but being too critical will do more damage than good.

Being too critical won’t get you anywhere except making her more depressed and resentful toward you. If you want to keep her, it’s not the right thing to do! Being too critical will only damage her well being and your relationship.

Women are emotional being. What you say and you do matter a lot to her. So, do your best to not hurt her feelings. And apologize to her as soon as you realize that you had said or done something hurtful to her.

Remember your goal and stick on it

Keep in mind that your goal is to get free from your commitment phobia and to maintain your relationship with her. Don’t let your fear take over.

That fear will only bring damage and destruction for it will always try to drive you away from your goals. Fear will always try to make you run away!

Make use of common sense and sound judgments

Take control of yourself. Don’t base your decisions on your fears. What you fear of has not come yet, but it will surely come and torture you if you value it too highly above your common sense and sound judgments.

Stop stereotyping women

Maybe you’ve heard a lot about how many men get ripped by their wives or girlfriends. But just like men, good girls exist as well as the bad ones. And, in case you don’t realize it, they live in the same realms with us. They’re there around us. It’s up to us to find them.

Not every gal is after your money. Not every woman is a gold-digger. So, unless you can obviously see how your money is the only thing that makes her attracted to you, don’t dump her because of that reason Your commitment phobia will bring you nowhere!

Don’ carry your emotional baggage

If your ex had betrayed you, it doesn’t mean your partner now will also betray you. Put yourself yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if she thinks of you as a thief because somewhere in time, a long time ago, a man had stolen her wallet?

Change your attitude

Being committed does not necessarily mean you lose your options. See it from different perspectives. It means that you have new set of options to choose, long lasting and meaningful options.

It’s much better to have somebody that cares and loves you than drifting aimlessly through the river of life, grabbing every opportunity to have another date that may lead nowhere.

But there’s a catch! You have to find your Ms Right. If you can be sure that the one with you now is your soul mate, then don’t ever lose her just because of that silly fear.

Commitment can be beautiful, and many have proved that. Don’t let your commitment phobia strip you off from that beauty of life!

Leave those dirty tricks!

I mean, never ever sabotage your relationship nor use your old dirty tactics to make your partner want to break up. Never yield to your fear. Never ever yield to that commitment phobia.

If you think that a break up will be the best for both of you, then do so based on solid cause and sound judgments, NOT because of your fear.

And never leave her without explanation because of your fear. This will only cause pain on your partner that takes a long time to heal from.

She would feel that you had played and cheated her especially if you had given her reason to believe that you were serious about the relationship. A new commitment phobia might develop.


If, even after doing your best your relationship doesn’t work (she leaves you for another dude, for instance), don’t be discouraged. At the least, you had done your part in being a better man, a respectable man with integrity. Good karma will befall on you for that and you’ll find your Ms Right somewhere, sometime in near future. She is there, believe me!


Anna Perkins is a relationship writer who offers her own forthright opinion over the worlds of dating, romance, relationships , marriage and friendships. She loves cats, traveling, spending time with her son and husband.

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