Me and my fiancé live in Hawaii and share quite a romantic life together in a beautiful place. However, ever since he proposed to me over a year ago I can’t help but think about how boring, unromantic and just down-right lazy his proposal was. He just asked me in the middle of a conversation out of the blue, as if he’d just thought of it. I said yes because I love him more than anything and I do want to share my life with him, but he had so many opportunities to carry out a really special proposal that he chose not to take. I don’t know why it bothers me so much but it does, so how am I supposed to move on from it? When everyone asks how it happened I’m too embarrassed to tell them! Should I ask him to re-do it, or would that offend him too much?
I can see that you have a real problem here, and my heart goes out to you. I can hear the pain in your words, and I hope I can help you work through this dilemma. We tend to put a lot of emphasis on the big show proposal nowadays, and that’s part of the issue here – you had certain expectations that weren’t met, and now you’re feeling cheated out of an experience that you think you should have had. Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with the grand gesture proposal with all the bells and whistles, but it doesn’t have to be for everyone, and that’s something you may have to accept. But let’s think about it…
The first thing that comes to mind is that, despite your perception that he had lots of opportunities in the past, he simply wasn’t ready to pop the question until that dull, everyday moment. He may have had all kinds of reasons that kept him from asking for your hand in marriage while you were strolling in the moonlight in Waikiki, and maybe you’ll never know all of them. But when he had no more reasons not to, he didn’t hesitate to propose, and that’s a good thing, because he made a decision and followed through.
Another possibility is that he didn’t see it as being as important as you do – consider what I said about the big production proposal. It could be that for him, the most sincere, heartfelt, honest way to do it was on the spur of the moment when he felt the time was right. That doesn’t mean that he couldn’t have waited and planned something more elaborate, but it’s a point of view issue, and perhaps his take on it is a little different than yours.
There’s also the chance that he simply wouldn’t have been able to pull off a romantic proposal out of embarrassment, shyness, anxiety, and stage fright in general. For him, maybe it was important that he was in his comfort zone when he asked, and it was the best he could do. Again, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or even that he’s lazy, but that he was getting the deed done in the best way he could.
What it all boils down to is that if you love each other, you should feel that you can ask him why it happened the way it did. Tell him that you love him and you haven’t changed your mind and don’t plan to, then explain your feelings about the whole proposal and what you were expecting. If you make it clear that you want it to be a memorable event that you will remember forever, then hopefully he will understand. Suggest making it into a romantic, sexy getaway in that island paradise you live in, and chances are he’ll see it as a great idea – and this time he’ll do it differently.