16 Sep 2013

I Don’t Think My Wife Loves Me Anymore

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Hi Grace,

My wife and I have been together for 6 years now. She was my first love and first girlfriend when we were in high school. I was very lucky to be able to make her my wife for she was my ideal girl. But lately I have noticed a lot of changes with her attitude. She used to always stroke my hair and sing me to sleep, she used to kiss me before leaving the house and when I arrive, she used to do a lot of romantic stuff and surprises me a lot. All of these are gone now and I am sort of guilty for not doing anything for her. Do you think this is my fault? Any advice would be very helpful.

Thanks,Yookie

Dear Yookie,

I am so sorry to hear those words, “I don’t think my wife loves me anymore.” I’m here for you and happy to offer my assistance. I want to start with a positive note – many husbands and wives have the same doubts at times in their relationship, for many reasons. Often all it takes is a little healthy communication to spark the love once more. You have been married for six years, which shows that you both have succeeded in having a healthy, mature relationship to date. Don’t give up hope! Like a car, when it starts running a little rough, it often just needs a minor tune up to get it running smoothly again.

I’m sure you have heard the phrase that “actions speak louder than words.” This couldn’t be more true than in a marriage, and it is the actions your wife used to do, which she has now stopped, that appear to be making you doubt her current love for you. As I mentioned, this does happen in relationships. As a partnership matures over time, when the honeymoon phase has long passed, couples sometimes find themselves saying all of the right things, but they can begin to stop showing each other how much they love their partners through their actions.

As couples know, marriage does take work to keep the sparks alive. The examples you gave, the things your wife did for you, are great examples of this. It’s those little things that keep us connected as lovers. As many husbands and wives who’ve stayed together a long time will tell you, it’s that little kiss or touch, or a romantic surprise that shows your partner how much you care, that truly matter when it comes to feeling loved and in love. That is why you are hurting, because you are missing those actions that made you feel safe and treasured as a husband.

I do want to point out something else that struck me in your letter, where you stated, “and I am sort of guilty for not doing anything for her.” I am unsure (and cannot guess) if you mean that you never did those things in the past or if you are stating that you only recently have stopped showing her you love her in those sweet, small ways, too. So I will briefly discuss both scenarios.

If she has always been the giver of affection and you’ve lacked in that department, you are likely witnessing the effect of romantic burnout. Marriage involves both partners giving and taking – if one does all of the giving without receiving in return, over time there is little motivation to continue giving. In this scenario, you will need to communicate openly, express your love and how much you miss her affection, apologize for taking without giving and make a heartfelt commitment to her to enter a true give and take partnership.

If, however, you’ve both given and taken quite equally through the years, but now you are both withdrawing, you’ve likely entered a “stall” cycle together, and you will both need to put in a little work to recharge your batteries together. The key here is mainly reaffirming your love and devotion to each other by talking openly, acknowledging how you both used to be and how things have stalled, and promise to work together to rekindle the flames once more.

Yookie, many couples experience periods like you are going through – they doubt their partner’s love as the romance can sometimes fizzle out. But the good news is that many couples find it just takes sitting down together and talking openly as friends and lovers that gets them heading down the right path once more. She’s been your friend and your teammate all of these years – more than anyone else in your life, you can trust her to listen to your feelings and fears.

Wishing you luck and love,

Grace

About

Grace Pamer is a full time romance and relationship writer. She writes romance and marriage proposal tip columns for various publications including YourTango.com and GalTime.com. As seen on FoxNews.com, Cosmopolitan.com, DivineCaroline.com and CanadianLiving.com to name but a few.

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