21 Jan 2013

How Soon Is Too Soon To Move In Together?

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Hi Grace,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and she’s just finished her degree and having to think about where she’ll be living next. I would really love for her to move in with me, but worry that it’s maybe too soon to ask her something that big. We’re mad for each other but as she’s only just moving out of a student house will she be ready to move in together with me straight away? I don’t want her to feel like she’s losing out on her independence, but it would be such a shame if I didn’t take this opportunity to try and take the next step. I’d appreciate your thoughts.


Dear Anonymous,

I am happy to hear that you are willing to make that big step of commitment. Your idea of asking your lover about moving in with you means that you are thinking in mature and yet loving, romantic terms, and I can’t help but feel that she will understand why it’s a good time to consider the next phase.

It sounds like the two of you have a good relationship, hopefully built on honesty and kept strong with good communication. If this is indeed true, you should have no worries about asking her to move in with you. I would assume that you have both thought about it, since you have it on your mind, and any smart woman will have considered how to move ahead in the relationship far ahead of actually taking real steps to do so. Chances are she has been mulling over the situation herself, and she may be waiting for your invitation since it sounds as though she would be the one bringing her things into a new place.

I suppose a closer look at your statements might lead me to ask you a couple of questions that you should be sure to answer for yourself as honestly as possible. First you say that it might be too soon to ask. Is there a good reason for this concern, or is it more of an anxiety that goes with the territory? If she has given any outward indication that she is not ready for this, it should make you hesitate and consider why.

Second, you say she might feel that she is losing her independence. Again, if she has given you any reason to feel that this might be true, you really should tread carefully. Rushing into something may not be the best idea at this point in your relationship, and exhibiting patience will be a good move in the long run. But if you are saying this because you yourself have cold feet, that’s another issue entirely.

For both of you, this is a time to do a thorough inventory of your feelings and fight against the urge to be impulsive. There’s a place and a time for being spontaneous, but living together can be a real strain if one or both of you were simply not quite ready. And so, ultimately, the answer to your questions can only come from your own experience and awareness. Be honest, explore your feelings, but be confident about your decision. And remember – either way, it’s not forever – you can both change your minds.



Grace Pamer is a full time romance and relationship writer. She writes romance and marriage proposal tip columns for various publications including YourTango.com and GalTime.com. As seen on FoxNews.com, Cosmopolitan.com, DivineCaroline.com and CanadianLiving.com to name but a few.

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