18 Sep 2012

Are You A Relationship Self-saboteur?

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Just about everyone looks for love at some stage in their life and most of us want someone we can get serious with. There are of course exceptions, but generally speaking, we seek and put a high value on committed relationships, and look for suitable partners for life starting at a fairly early age. Typically, dating is a process of getting experience with others, deciding what you are looking for, and then eventually finding someone who wants the same things you do – and living happily ever after.

But there are some people out there that seem to do an odd thing – they sabotage their relationships before they can get serious, and do it in a purposeful, if not overt and visible, way. They push others away before they get too close, they say or do things to cause a lack of trust or an inability to continue, and they easily and prematurely end a promising pairing. Are you a self-saboteur? If you have any of the following fears, and your behavior is based on them, you might be.

Fear Of Intimacy

When you get close to another human being, it becomes a natural thing to be intimate. Unfortunately, we tend to equate intimacy with having a sexual relationship, but it’s more complicated than that. First of all, casual sex is very popular these days, and people hook up for nothing more. But that doesn’t make them actually intimate with each other. Real intimacy is a sharing of all kinds of things between two people – hopes, dreams, fears, history, regrets, and yes, physical closeness is a large part of it. But a person who fears intimacy doesn’t want to get too close, because the process of revealing oneself is too painful or dangerous.

Fear Of Honesty

Along with a fear of being too close comes a tendency to be afraid of honesty and openness with another person. If you get close to another person, as most of us do eventually, and an intimate relationship develops, there will be a point where being honest and disclosing private and perhaps hidden aspects of yourself will be expected. If it doesn’t happen, that’s usually a deal-breaker. The person who fears such events may sabotage the relationship in order to avoid the honesty and disclosure of this stage.

Fear Of Commitment

We’ve all heard about the fear of commitment. It happens when one of the partners in a romantic relationship doesn’t want to be tied down, or be held to any kind of promise that would involve faithfulness or mature and expected stages of development. He or she wants to keep things casual, to not take everything so seriously. This fear is usually based on feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and an inability to be self-responsible. If you have this fear, you will more than likely self sabotage in order to avoid having to commit to the other person.

Fear Of Failure

Finally, the fears of intimacy, honesty and commitment may be based on a deeper fear of being a failure. Family histories and previous experiences may have taught the self-saboteur that it’s better to get out of a relationship as cleanly and quickly as possible than to let it go on and fail. Driven types who may be successful in the more practical aspects of life are often seen as having this fear when it comes to slippery and dangerous human relationships. These people will sabotage the situation so that he or she does not have to worry about being a failure.


Josh Ringham is a late twenties relationship writer. He writes about the intracesies of relationships from a mans perspective.

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